Dreading Disappointment…

I am a people pleaser. 

I’m not gonna try and deny it, or justify it.  It’s not a good way to live but it’s also not the worst way to live, and as much as people preach self-love and large pop icons have made the whole “sassy empowered woman” thing cool, I really care what other people think of me, and what I can do to make them feel better.  However, this coupled with my obsession with perfection can often lead to disastrous consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of the things that I do, and I do them because I want to do them, however the fact that they may please someone also often becomes the principle cause of my motivation.  I work so hard in school so that my parents have a daughter to be proud of, I spend ages planning super personal birthday presents so people feel special and appreciated, I have a job and earn my own money so that my parents don’t have to support me as much, I take part in school activities so that they feel like I’m contributing… The list goes on and on.  And I’ve always thought that my biggest fear was death, but after recent events I’ve realised that it’s not, it is disappointment.

They say that you’re your own worst critic but honestly I’ve never met a bigger bully than myself when it comes to anything to do with me.  If I do badly in a test or make a bad decision it hits me hard… But not because I aspire to be perfect or the best or anything, because of the fear that now somebody’s gonna be disappointed in me. 

If I fail my A-levels, yeah obviously I’ll be gutted that I didn’t get into Uni, but the people pleaser in me is going to be more gutted that my teachers believed in me and I didn’t deliver, or that my parents gave me every chance to succeed in life and I blew it all.  Because in my opinion, the way that your choices affect others is just as important as the way that your choices affect you (Probably the one point of Preference Utilitarianism that I agree with).

Some stuff happened recently (Today in fact) that really got me thinking about my fear of letting others down, and I realised during the day that no matter how hard you mess up, try and cut people off, conceal yourself away, build your palace of ice (or whatever your less sassy Disney equivalent is), there are always gonna be those few people who are there for you no matter what.  Those people that don’t get angry at you for being a bitch because they know that you need to temporarily lash out and won’t take it personally, or those people who can see that you’re suffering, even if you don’t explicitly tell them.  And often these people can be the people that you least expect.

I am so thankful for those few people that exist in my life and honestly I don’t think I could have made it through today, or many other days without them.  I hope that everyone has people like them in their lives or is able to be like that for somebody else.

So next time your friend/family member is lashing out and being a nightmare, or silently sitting in a classroom slightly quivering, show them compassion, genuinely care, no matter how hard it may be.  Odds are they need it more than you think.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Assessing Appearances…

When I left secondary school I was really excited about the fact that I suddenly would be able to wear my own clothes to school and leave my uniform behind.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the worst uniform in the world (although we did have bright blue kilts…) but I was happy that I could finally wear clothes that flattered me in ways that I wanted.

In year 11 I went through a stage of drastically losing weight… I mean I was never size zero skinny, but I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health.  It wasn’t because I exercised loads or was incredibly fit or anything, I simply stopped eating as well as I should have because I became so wrapped up in the fact that it is very easy to compare people’s sizes when you are all wearing the same thing.  As I began sixth form this became less of a problem however as I started to feel a lot more comfortable I started to realise that the allowance of makeup meant that the majority of girls looked beautifully air brushed all the time.

I’ve always been kind of blessed with relatively good skin; I think it’s due to the fact I don’t particularly like sweets and I drink a lot of water.  So with the right exfoliator, cleanser and moisturiser plus the occasional face mask, my face remained relatively clear and lip gloss and eyeliner were the extent of my morning makeup routine.  However, the more I looked at girls at school the more I realised how amazingly pretty they all looked in makeup.  Clear skin was no longer enough… I needed to have no bags under my eyes, the perfect smooth complexion, an even tone throughout my skin, natural but slightly coloured eyelids, matte but evenly coloured lips… the list went on and on.  I slowly invested in more and more makeup (I mean… I still rarely wear it, but at least I own it), and I became more obsessed with the flaws on my face, some of which I couldn’t help.  My nose felt flatter, my cheeks seemed too red, my forehead too big, my overall face shape too fat and I couldn’t help but hate my absence of cheek bones.

Recently on two separate occasions I’ve had to wear the same dress as many other girls and in both cases I couldn’t help but being consumed in how much more I resembled a potato in comparison to everyone else.  It was like all my uniform fears came back and I noticed everything about me that I hated; the size of my thighs and my wideness.  It’s affected me a lot recently but it’s caused me to really think about how we as a society define “beauty”.

Recently I’ve been binge watching a lot of TV series’ (revision procrastination at its finest).  At the moment I’m watching the OC, before that it was 90210 and before that it was Gossip Girl and each time I haven’t been able to help the fact that I look at the girls and these shows and aspire to have their thin bodies.  Every single one of them looks perfect in everything they wear (which I understand they have costume designers for… but their bodies probably help) and I can’t help but have it bum me out a little.  However, then when I occasionally watch old kids shows like That’s So Raven and Lizzie McGuire, it’s refreshing to look at how the girls aren’t necessarily “plus size” but are average and slightly curly, and they’re not addressed as “big girls” or “curvy girls” but viewed normally.  Through watching TV shows from different years you can actually see how body image has changed over time; we went from a stage where the weight of actors wasn’t necessarily important, to a phase of stick thinness being the norm, to now where we have the celebrated “plus sized girls” and then the slim toned beautiful girls, and I find it interesting how in each of these time periods, these girls were the trendsetters, and the beauty that teens in particular aspired to.

We’re in a time at the moment that’s a lot more tolerant and accepting towards everything, and we’re often preached at by friends, teachers, adverts and parents that “everyone is beautiful and beauty is subjective”, however there are people that the majority tend to agree are just a lot prettier than others, so what is it that allows us to view them as that much more beautiful?  As someone’s that frequently struggles with liking their appearance I personally try not to judge others and I try to never negatively judge anyone’s appearance… I feel like in general this happens a lot less nowadays.  However, when celebrating the beauty of others I find myself wishing I could be that pretty and this can often be self-deprecating.

I didn’t want this post to end up being an “everyone is beautiful, you should love yourself” kind of post because from someone who has little to no self-confidence I find that this is easier said than done.  I just think that we need to stop comparing ourselves to others.  You may find many of their qualities redeeming, but hey, you probably have many redeeming qualities as well.

One of my favourite quotes (I have quite a few, I’m sorry I feel like I talk about quotes that I love a lot), comes from ‘The Red Band Society’, a TV show that got cancelled way before it’s time:

“Luck isn’t getting what you want. It’s about surviving what you don’t want”

I feel like in this day and age, most people have something that they dislike about themselves, but sometimes try as you may you can’t change it.  Embrace your “flaws”, work with them, and make them your special features.  It’s not about being the best looking, it’s about having the confidence in yourself to know you look good.  Because usually if you can believe it, others start to believe it too.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Back to Blogging…

It has been over 6 months since I have blogged and I apologise for that but a few days after my last post I turned 18 and started my final year of school and I’m taking more subjects than I’m supposed to and I was applying to Universities and I got a part time job and everything took over.  But with exams coming up I need more creative outlets and I can’t remember the last time that I wrote something for fun…  So I’m back to blogging! (At least once every two weeks…)

In honour of my six month absence I’d start with:

6 things I’ve learnt over the last 6 months… (Which will probably stem into inspiration for lengthier blog posts in time)

1. With age only comes wisdom if you let it

I’m finally at the age of “adulthood” and do I instantly feel mature and full of knowledge?  Of course not.  But I’m starting to realise that 18 isn’t a miracle cure for maturity, however one year older means I’ve had another full year to make mistakes (of which I’ve made many) and actually learn from them.  And believe it or not, with this experience I have in fact become slightly more knowledgeable, this year only means more opportunities for growth.

 

2. Just because somebody shines, doesn’t mean you don’t in a different way

I think with my last exams before Uni coming up, and the whole competing for Uni places fiasco, it’s been hard not to look at other people and think “Why can’t I do what they’re doing as well as them?”.  As a perfectionist, I have a tendency to let my flaws overshadow my positive qualities, and at times, especially with the stress of this year, that has caused me to go down a bit of a spiral of fixation.  However, at times I’ve realised that it’s important to step back, reflect on what you can do well, and do not compare yourself to others.  Everybody has their strengths and everybody has their flaws, but we’re all still growing and developing so reward the strengths and know that your flaws can only improve.

 

3. Confidence: Fake it til you make it

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I can sometimes be a bit of an introvert.  I think moving around schools a lot when I was younger and constantly being pegged as “the new girl” left me with a tendency to try as hard as possible to blend into the background.  However, it’s my final year of school, so I figured if there was ever a time to try anything it would be now.  I’ve actually put my name forward to do things, and regularly talk to people I’ve never talked to before and though absolutely terrifying at times, everything I’ve put myself out for is ultimately rewarding.  I’ve never really been one for confidence, but I’ve found that if you lie to yourself about having it long enough, you eventually believe that you actually do; confidence, like many things, can be fakes until you make it.

 

4. A little kindness can go a long way

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, but I occasionally go through patches of intense sadness, and this year that intensity has only increased.  I guess with everything that goes on around you with grades, appearance, and popularity it’s hard not to feel a little worthless sometimes.  Over time I’ve realised that it’s the tiny random acts of kindness, like someone texting me when I’ve missed school, or complimenting my hair/outfit/eyebrows, or literally just smiling at me in a hallway or in the treat that make me feel a lot better.  For this reason, I’ve started doing the same to others a lot more; if I think someone’s outfit is particularly nice I’ll bring it up, if I see someone make eye contact I’ll smile.  If you can help someone’s mental state with an act that costs you basically no effort, why not do it all the time?

 

5. If you believe that you’re a wallflower you’re always gonna be a wallflower

This one is one that I’m still struggling with because I have the lowest opinion of myself – don’t get me wrong I don’t think that I’m ugly or disgusting, I just see myself as a middle man who blends subtly into the background; nothing shockingly bad about me, nothing shockingly impressive.  And there’s nothing wrong with being that person, but nobody should believe that they are.  You are never going to have the confidence to reach further and try harder if you believe that you can.  It sounds cheesy (honestly, this whole post has sounded cheesy as I’ve written it…) but there’s something special about all of us, and nobody should discredit themselves to being nothing more than a wallflower.  I’m still yet to find my special thing, but I’m slowly trying to get myself to believe that it may in fact exist.

 

6. Don’t spread yourself too thin

I briefly touched on it in the intro to this post, but I have a lot going on this year.  With Unis and exams and everybody seeming to do a billion extra-curricular’s, it appears that most people have a lot going on this year.  From what I’ve observed, I’m not the only one my age that is prone to freaking out over the sheer amount that I have to do.  Over the last six months I’ve learnt that it is hard to stop yourself doing everything you want.  I’ve had to balance homework, revision, part-time job, more subjects than I’m supposed to be doing, family time, a social life, rehearsals, extra-lessons, UCAS, planning my life next year… and many people have had to do their own version of that.  I’m not going to lie, there are times when I break down and it seems impossible, and there are times when I worry that I’m not productive enough and I want to do more.  I’ve learnt through insane planning (I have a Filofax and I’m really into organisation… don’t judge me…) that it’s possible to take on a lot, but you cannot spread yourself to thin, and you cannot cut out essentials.  We are human beings.  We need adequate sleep, and food, and time to relax with friends or TV… These can’t be cut out by things deemed “more important”, it’s not healthy.

And there you have it…  Sorry if this was insanely cheesy… That was not the intention, but I guess I’m a little bit out of practice at the moment.  Comment, share, message me if you actually know me and thought this was good, I’d appreciate it regardless of how often we talk :).  Oh and if you think that any of these should be made into a full length detailed post, tell me, because I have no idea what I’m going to post next…

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Sayonara School…

A couple of days ago I was checking my site statistics, and before I officially start my blog post I just wanted to say thank you to all my international readers (and my UK readers as well)!  I’m viewed in 10 countries at the moment and that’s incredibly cool so salamat, grazie, merci, danke, gracias, and thank you, I hope I continue making posts that interest you a little regardless of what country you’re in.

For me, it’s that time of year again… some of us are already back and school and some of us (like me), are desperately clinging to the last few days of freedom before we dive back into school work and revision for exams.  The back to school season has commenced and summer is slowly becoming a distant memory.

Usually, by the end of the summer I can’t wait to go back to school.  It’s not because I particularly want to go to lessons and wake up at 6am and have homework… but rather due to the fact by this point I’m generally bored of summer and want to get back to doing something.  However this year, I kind of don’t want to go back.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I hate school of anything, but it’s recently occurred to me that I’m going into my final year of school ever.  I mean yeah, I plan to go to Uni, but Uni and school aren’t exactly the same thing, and they don’t have the same feel at all, so this is my last first day of school ever again…  And that absolutely terrifies me.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the entirety of One Tree Hill from beginning to end (as you do) and the final episode really stuck with me.  Obviously, part of that was because it was the final episode, but a lot of it was due to what Nathan said at the beginning of the episode.

“It’s the oldest story in the world, one day you’re 17 planning for someday, and then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today and then someday is yesterday and this is your life.”

I like change (from time to time…), and I like new things, but one thing I don’t like is saying goodbye.  And in retrospect, this year is gonna be nothing but a year of goodbyes.  Goodbye to the unnecessarily long first day assembly, goodbye to the “what did you do all summer” conversations… With every day that goes by, there’s one less day of being a schoolchild, and we’re all one day closer to being classed as an adult.

In my lifetime I’ve been to a total of 5 schools, which is a lot more than I should have been to at my age, however it means that technically I should be used to the whole goodbye thing by now.  However this one is a lot different.  Prior to this year, whenever I’ve left a school, I’ve known that eventually I’m gonna end up in another school; It will be different, but at least it will be a school.  However this time next year, we’ll all be preparing to go to different places.  The people that I’m the closest to at the moment, the people that I’m used to spending at least five days a week with, will be scattered across the country… hours away from me.  This is the last year of teachers caring about whether I show up to my lessons or not, caring about when I hand in my homework.  This is the last year where all the responsibility isn’t piled on my shoulders.

So, (at the risk of sounding incredibly cliché), if like me you’re going into your final year of school, remember that your days as a schoolchild are numbered.  School may not be the most entertaining thing in our lives, but it’s where we’ve grown up, made some of our best friends, and learnt a lot more than academic stuff.  School is responsible for a lot of the things that make us who we are.  School shaped us.  And soon we have to say goodbye to it.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Accelerated Ageing…

Growing up has always been one of those things I wanted to do.  5 year old me couldn’t wait to be 10, 10 year old me couldn’t wait to be 16, and 16 year old me couldn’t wait to be 18.  And yet, now I’m 2 weeks away from being an adult I wish I could cling on to my childhood and my life of no responsibility and a billion second chances.  But as much as I wish it, I can’t.  We’re all growing up, maturing whether we can feel it or not. 

I’ve just come back from a week at a summer school, pretending to go to University for a week.  It was great; I made amazing friends, actually improved my French skills and confidence immensely, even explored activities I wouldn’t usually explore.  But I’d be lying if I said that the whole experience didn’t terrify me a little… (Or a lot…)

You see, at the end of the week we had this “mini graduation” ceremony.  It was amazingly cute; we got gowns, scrolls, a ceremony, the whole shebang… and I couldn’t help but feel extremely old.  I mean, yeah, I was only playing a Uni student for a few moments, but at one point I looked at the people around me, and the hall I was in and the scroll I was clutching and I remembered where I was this time a year ago.

I feel exactly the same, but it’s not until I look at what I’ve done in the last school year that I realise how much I’ve actually changed.  I went away from home, four hours away from home, by myself to a summer school where I knew absolutely no one.  I had no friends by my side, no family, and a year ago that would have absolutely terrified me.  This time last year no way would I have written a blog!  This time last year I wouldn’t have let my closest friends read anything that I’d written at all.  Last summer I vowed to do so much, but the odds are this time last year I was lounging on a sofa, thinking about what the next year would bring and binging on Netflix.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still watched a ridiculous amount of Netflix this summer.  However, I’ve also gone out and done work experience, written an academic essay, hung out with my friends, done 2 summer schools and applied for and started a part-time job.  It only began occurring to me when I looked at that scroll in my hand, that without even trying to I’ve grown older and I’ve matured.  I don’t feel very different at all, and I think often as teenagers we discredit ourselves and believe that we haven’t made any progress at all.  I’m pretty sure, regardless of your age, if any of you look back and what you’d done a year ago and what you’ve done now, you’ll realise that you’ve done a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

Even if it’s nothing physical, look at the person you were a year ago compared to the person you are now.  Are you more confident?  More reserved?  More self-assured?  More mature?  I guarantee you there will be something.

We should be proud of the people that we’ve become, but we should never forget the people that we’ve come from.  As sung in one of my favourite musicals: “There’s pride in my heart because I know where I’m going, but I know where I’ve been”.  Never forget the spirit you had as a 10 year old, or that ridiculous confidence you had when you were 5.  Hold on to it all.  Use it to grow.  Let it help mould you.

Yeah, we’re ageing.  But that doesn’t mean we still can’t be kids from time to time.   

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Constantly Changing…

  
So I’m writing this from a train (which is pretty cool because I’m listening to music and typing away as the locations outside my window change quickly and I feel like a writer in a movie) on my way to Durham.  I don’t know if it’s my current location, or the fact that I’m about to spend a week from home in somewhere I’ve never been before with no family, friends, or anyone I know at all, but something really got me thinking about change.

If you had to describe yourself in 3 words what would they be? 

Would you have to think about it? Go on some long journey of self discovery?  Or would you just know? Theoretically we should all know exactly who we are, considering that, you know, we’re ourselves, but in life it’s never that easy. 

When I was younger, I used to really love first days of school. Not because I was a geek (which, I’ll be honest I kind of was but that’s beside the point), I used to love them because each new year felt like a fresh start. I’d be in a new year at school, have different teachers, different books, different folders, a different timetable, I used to feel like with all that change I had the chance to be as different as I wanted to be.  However, now, when I look back and think about it I wonder why I needed a new year to feel like I could be whoever I wanted. 

It’s a common notion; I mean, with every New Year’s Eve comes the trending #newyearnewme hashtag… We seem to mark the times of the year where it’s acceptable for us to change and be who we want to be.  But, when you think about it, we control ourselves.  We should be able to be who we want to be whenever we want to.  So yeah, this week away gives me a fresh start with new people, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a chance for me to radically change who I am.  If I want change, I should be able to whenever I want.  

If you’ve ever seen a Romantic Comedy, the odds are that you’ve seen a female protagonist panic and struggle because she doesn’t know who she is, or what her label in high school is.  I’m not gonna lie, I love watching RomComs, I could watch them all day, but I would be lying if I said that they didn’t have their flaws in terms of the messages that they give.  It’s okay to not know exactly who you are or where you belong.  If I had to describe myself in three words I don’t think I’d be able to without some serious thought.  I have no idea what clique I’d belong to in a teenage high school movie, to be honest I don’t think I’d be able to label myself with a stereotypical role in any of those movies either.  Why? Because we’re always changing, whether it be physically or emotionally. 
Aquinas (an old Philospher) argued in his First Way that we are in a constant state of motion, moving from a state of actuality, to potentiality, to actuality etc.  It sounds more complicated than it is, but it’s easy to wrap your head around if you think of an example, like a saucepan.  When you heat a saucepan, it goes from being potentially hot, to actually being hot, to being potentially cold, to being actually cold.  At the moment we’re all who we are, but we have the potential to be a different version of ourselves, if we want to be because we’re constantly changing.

In my room I have a cork board by my desk where I pin photos, reminders and cute postcards and things I like. My favourite thing on my corkboard at the moment is a postcard that I found when I was out shopping in Lomdon with my friends one time.  It says: Some want it to happen, others wish it would happen, and some go out and make it happen.  Whatever we do, we should always strive to be those who go out and make things happen.  At the end of the day, if you want better for yourself, or you want to be known/noticed for something, you’re the only one that can make it happen.  Regardless of the time of year, or your circumstances, there’s always time for change.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally. Remember, we’re all still forming opinions. Byeeeee!

Re-Evaluating Results…

It’s been a long time since I posted, I know, but honestly I’ve been waiting for the inspiration I needed to write my next post.  But today was results day for all AS and A2 students, so I figured it was as good a time as ever to blog about life and experiences.

As a teenage girl with a variety of social media outlets (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, you name it), I read teenage rants on the education system pretty much every time I go online.  The reason?  It’s probably the number one shared cause of stress amongst teenagers my age.  We have rants, one liners, and recurring jokes on the topic, but all mediums generally come down to the same point:  the education system has got us more concerned about the letters that we get on a piece of paper than whether we actually learn something.

Today was emotional and hectic and nerve wrecking and I witnessed a lot of reactions to results, ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other, and it really got me thinking about the point above.  I’m not saying that the letters don’t matter, because they do; universities and jobs have to find some way of filtering applicants, but it seems that nowadays as students our grades begin to become the thing that defines us.

For example, I remember last year when I got my GCSE Results (It was a way bigger deal than this year’s results because it was my first proper results day and I swear I shook the whole way to school).  The second I ripped open the envelope, before I even properly registered my results I was on the phone to my parents listing my A*s, As and Bs.  Then before I knew it, I was texting family members listing my A*s, As and Bs.  Then as I walked down the corridors out of school I can’t tell you how many times I recited my A*s, As and Bs to everybody that asked me what I got.  By the time I left school that day, before I could even properly sit down and look at my grade breakdown, I could recite the number of A*s, As and Bs I got by heart.  By the time I started sixth form, it felt like reciting my grades became as common as reciting my name.  Without intending for them to, my grades had become one of my largest defining factors, and one of the first things I’d be asked about whenever I met someone new.

Like I said earlier, I’m not saying that grades don’t matter.  Of course they matter.  But, whether we do badly or we do well we shouldn’t let them be the things that define us.  Don’t get me wrong, you shouldn’t use that as an incentive to give up and not try at all.  Grades may not be what define you, but the amount that you try for them does.  What I’m saying is that if you opened that envelope today (or any other day) and your heart sank a little, don’t let those letters ruin your morale.

If you aren’t happy with your AS results, the beauty of AS levels is how accessible the retakes are.  If you want better, go out and get those better grades for yourself next year.  And if you try again and do better, be proud!  However, regardless of what you get, always remember that there is more to every single one of us than a few letters on a piece of paper. 

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Screaming Silence…

As summer kicks off so do the (even later than usual) late nights, and the lengthy philosophical 2am Whatsapp group discussions, and something really struck me today.

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

-Charles Bukowski

I read this quote a couple of years ago in a book, and back then, yeah, I thought it was nice and “deep” on a philosophical level, but I don’t think I fully realised how true it is until now.  Have you ever been in a situation where you’re debating an issue that you’re truly passionate about with facts and logic and evidence, and the person on the opposing side refuses to even acknowledge that what you’re saying could have some meaning?  They brush aside your validity to keep their pride and be the “winner”, and turn a topic that you’re serious about into a joke, or “banter” that you took too seriously.  You’re left with two basic options, and neither of them are particularly favourable:

1. Keep communicating your view, knowing that they’re never going to even consider what you’re saying, which will end up frustrating you until you can no longer take it. Or;
2. Give up. Stop speaking, and listen to the obnoxiously untrue “that’s right, stop talking!  You know I’m right” jeer that follows.

One of the biggest lies that people like that force themselves to believe is that you stopped talking because you had nothing else to say.  I don’t know about you, but for me that generally isn’t the case.  Ever.  I like debate.  I like logic.  I like facts.  If I think that I have a good leg to stand on, and facts and logic to prove my point I could argue it forever.  But with some people, it’s just not worth it.  Charles Bukowski was really onto something.  When I look at the person that I was when I was 12 and I look at the person that I am now, I can see that there’s a huge difference in the willingness that I have when it comes to proving that I’m right.  It seems like, overtime the ignorance of others has shrouded my confidence when it comes to fighting for what I believe in.  It’s not that I’ve become shy or I have no belief in myself anymore, because the tenacity is still there.  I mean, give me a formal debate or a courtroom and I’d be in it to win it.  But with arguments with certain people, I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing that I’m doing the right thing, even if I’m the only one that believes it, has to be good enough. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that anyone that ever disagrees with me is “ignorant” or “not worth arguing with”, because I will happily have lively debates with my friends for hours (and we do sometimes… it’s weirdly cool).  If someone opposes my view, I’ll listen to their reasons why and consider them.  It’s when people won’t do the same for me, and will only listen to their points, regardless of what anyone else says that I begin to wonder if there’s a point to trying with that person.  The more that I think about it, the more that I realise that Charles Bukowski was really onto something with that quote.  It seems that the ignorant are more willing to shout their views over everyone, as opposed to those that have views that may actually be worth sharing, but are too scared/tired of being shot down to share them.

And if you ask me, it’s terrible how often this happens.  We all know that everybody deserves to be heard, but even more importantly: everybody deserves to have their opinions acknowledged and considered.  Next time you’re in a heated discussion, stop and think about whether you’re actually registering the other side’s point of view, or whether you’re dismissing them to get to your own points.  Because sometimes it’s an easy trap to fall into.

Finally, don’t mistake someone’s silence as weakness.  Sometimes it’s exhaustion from arguing but not being appreciated, or realising that their ideas can’t be seen through the surrounding smoke of stupidity.  Sometimes, silence speaks a lot louder than words, but if your silence can shout, let your words scream the message you want to get across.  It’s time to do Bukowski proud and abandon that doubt and let yourself be heard.

What are your views?  Is the silence justifiable or should you fight until you’re frustrating and losing it, purely because you know that you’re arguing the right way and you need to teach someone what that way is?

Read, please comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

From Goal to Goal to Goal…

So summer has officially started… School’s done and it’s time to relax, whether that be through outings with friends or becoming the couch potato you long to become all year round.  Summer also tends to commence the fight for that “bikini body” yet again.  In fact, summer diets have become one of the most common summer missions shared amongst teenagers… Me included.

However, recently I’ve been thinking that maybe the reason I aspire to lose the most weight during the summer holidays is because I always need to have something to aspire to.  (Case in point:  I had two weeks off when my exams were over, before school restarted in May/June, and during this time I figured out my University preferences and started this blog).  The more that I’ve thought about it, the more things make sense.  I spend the whole school year working towards final exams; this year it was AS exams, last year it was my GCSE’s, and the moment that they’re over I claim that I’m going to relax, but I always find something else to work on, a “new project”, if you will.

This same principle can loosely be applied to the way that we live our lives, or at least the way that society teaches we should live our lives.  Think about it.  The general structure of our lives consists of:

• Nursery, so we learn the basics for…
• Primary School, so we can get into…
• Secondary school, where we study for…
• GCSE’s, so we know the basics for…
• AS Levels, which count for 50% of our…
• A2’s, which we need in order to get into…
• University, so that we can get a good…
• Job, so that we can pay to live comfortably, until…
• Retirement.

And yes, I know that life’s not that simple and that the structure varies from person to person, but that’s a stripped down version to illustrate my point.  We are always working for something.  Basically everything that we do, we do because we’re striving to achieve a goal… and after we’ve achieved it, we move on to the next one.

It’s like Aristotle discussed with his four causes.  Long story short, he believed that everything on earth could be explained with four questions, or “causes”: what materials it was made of, how those materials were put together, who made it, and why it was made, (Its purpose).  That last one is what he called the “Final Cause”, which basically led Aristotle to the conclusion that everything is designed to work towards a specific purpose/aim/end goal.  What if Aristotle is right?  We could all be bouncing from goal to goal to goal until we find that final one to work towards…  That all-important “Final Cause”.  Whether you agree with that conclusion or not, you must agree that regardless of whether we realise at the time, we are always working towards something.

I barely know what my current goal is, or what my next 10 goals will be, because these things aren’t always planned.  Sometimes it’s like our subconscious is driving us to work towards something whether we realise it or not.  So, whether you know your current goal, or are just going with the flow that’s leading you there, good luck in achieving it this summer (and in life in general!).

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

“Because I’m Black…”

Just a little pre-warning, I feel like this is going to be a highly controversial post, so I would like to stress that I am not trying to offend anybody, I’m just stating my opinion. 

Racism is a topic that we have all encountered at some point in our lives, whether we’ve felt that we are a victim of racial prejudice, have been accused of being racist, or have witnessed an instance of racism.  We could talk about 50 years ago, we could talk about yesterday – regardless of the time period racism always seems to be a hot topic.

I went to an event the other day, and a discussion was had about racism and where we all stand regarding it nowadays, so I felt the need to get my personal view across on this blog.  I know that racism still exists.  I watch the news, I see discrimination due to ethnic backgrounds, and I understand that in this modern world, racism still occurs from day to day.  However, I believe that nowadays people have a tendency to over-play the “racism card”, as it were.

I think, as someone of Caribbean heritage, one of the phrases that irritates me more than anything else is the phrase “because I’m black”.  It is an overused excuse, in a multitude of situations.  The amount of times I’ve heard friends and acquaintances claim that they didn’t get a part in something or didn’t get a job, or someone didn’t like them “because they weren’t white” is overwhelming.  I’m not saying that this is never the case, but the truth is a lot of the time, it isn’t.  If you go into a job interview for a business that you think consists of mainly white individuals, and you have the mind-set that you don’t stand a chance because you aren’t white, then you’re already sabotaging yourself with your negative attitude.  Don’t go into things leading with your race.  If you have the right qualifications, if you work hard and if you believe in yourself, then you should be able to trust that you are good enough to get what you want, regardless of your race.  And the truth is, there may be times in this world when the reason that you don’t get what you want is because of your race.  But that shouldn’t be your go to excuse.

A few days ago somebody said something to me which really stuck.  “It’s too easy to point the finger at someone and say that they’re racist, but we all have our bias”.  And it is shockingly true, because yes, you can scold somebody for discriminating against you, or judging you too quickly… But can you honestly say that you yourself have no prejudice against any group of people?

I’m a black girl who went from a majority white primary school, then to a majority black secondary school, and now to a rather diverse sixth form, so I’ve observed this issue from all sides.  My primary school was private, and I was not oblivious to the fact that I was one of the 4 black girls, and 7 ethnic girls (out of a year of 30) in my year, but it didn’t bother me.  It wasn’t until I moved from my primary school and into a majority-ethnic state school, and I was told that I “didn’t act black enough” by a large number of people that I really realised how much racism takes place.  It’s often the people that complain about racial stereotyping, that will ridicule someone of their race when they don’t comply with their perfect racial image.  I’m not a very loud person, and I guess I’m relatively well-spoken, but that doesn’t make me any less “black” than anybody else.  I grew up in a Caribbean household, I have a lot of family that I see all the time, and they appear to have no problem with how “black” I am.  By using terms like this, we are setting back years of history.  If we really want equality, we shouldn’t accuse people of “acting white” or “acting black or Asian”… Everybody acts with different characteristics, and race is not a characteristic.

I’m not condoning racism in any way, and I’m not saying that ethnic minorities make it all up in their heads.  Racism still does exist in society.  There have been times where I’ve felt that I was a victim of racism, and there are times when I really believe that I’ve witnessed racism.  However, I feel like because of the history of racism and what we’re brought up learning about our backgrounds, it’s easy to blame race for our shortcomings and fall-backs.  It’s taken me years, but I’m finally learning to look past the colour of my skin, (whether it’s the reason for my rejection or not), and focus on the things that I can change.  If I don’t get a job, I’ll work on a better CV or better interview skills…  If I don’t get a part I want, I’ll sing louder, practice more.  You can’t change the colour of your skin, and it shouldn’t be that important a factor.  I am proud of where I come from, but personally, I think the way that I was brought up, the way that my parents raised me, and the activities that I partook in as a child, define me way more than my race does.  Don’t ignore your race altogether, but don’t use it as the foundation for everything that you do.

Read, comment, share, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!